The Pen Factor

To Ski

To Ski

A young man experiences what it feels like to ski.

Coming-of-age / Young adult fiction

Gloria DeMoura (United States)

I see my breath in a small cloud of air, the cold stings at my lungs, but breathing in the icy ting, calms me. The snow is slowly drifting in front of me, the air is still, silent. No noise is heard from this high on the mountain but the whisper of the wind, uttering its small and silent secrets.

The sunlight is slowly fading, its beautiful pattern reflecting off the glistening snow, giving it a beautiful shade of orange.

I grasp my poles, the coldness of night is approaching, this is my last run.

I glide across the snow to the edge of the mighty mountain, the sun is wishing me farewell.

I put my poles to my side, my grip tightens, but I can’t feel it, my fingers are numb and can only tingle at this point.

I take one last look at the sky before looking down at the powder drifting slowly from side to side, rolling down the hill.

I pull my goggles over my eyes, they need hang around my neck no longer.

I put my body into position, squatting tightly over my knees. No going backwards now, only forwards.

I feel myself begin to slide, and I brace myself for the impact of the wind, I am picking up speed, almost flying off the ground. I feel as light as air, the freedom of going down the hill at almost 50 mph, is amazing. The world passes by you and all you can see is this blur to your sides, however my focus is in front of me, preparing to control my speed, I angle myself away from the oncoming objects of trees and other people, nothing can stop me as I hit the middle of the hill, my speed is climaxing; but at a steady pace, allowing me to still stay in control. I watch as the snowflakes wurl past my goggles, some getting stuck in the edges. I am breathing hard with the struggle of keeping myself paced, I streatin then my body a hint to adjust my balance. I can see the bottom of the hill now, filled with skiers taking their skies off, saying their goodbyes.

But I am not headed toward the bottom, I lower my body and slowly lean left, this proves hard since I have to maintain my balance. I turn my skies toward the next hill that leads to the base. I see that my quick judgement is going to be even harder as the line between the course and the forest lessens. I whip the pole out from under my right arm and; gripping it tightly, push off the ground, I feel the wave of motion rattle my body as it turns toward the next hill, I am shaken off my line of action by this incident and so I battle for control down the hill. One of my skies is loose and to control my speed I need it to be tight.

I Know I am going to fast, as the bottom of the hill approaches, I feel my sweat trail down my face and into my shirt. People at the bottom are yelling to slow down. I try my hardest too indeed stop my increase of speed but I can’t without crashing, But before all hope is lost, I realize I can use my weight.

I slowly lean backwards at a angle, and it works. The powder fills the air, and I think I may of pulled a muscle in my leg, but I stop and the people cheer.

It was worth it. Never let yourself think it wasn’t.

Competition: June 2015 Pen Factor, Round 1

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Read Reviews

Review 1:

Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to Mechanics

The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story. It’s always a pleasure to read polished English.

Mechanics - Narration Styles

Make sure that all narrative modes in the story are used appropriately and accurately, such as direct speech when the characters talk directly to each other. Other examples are reported speech when retelling something a character has said, chronology, retrospection, flashback etc.
You handled the story’s narrative modes appropriately and accurately, making it a clear and enjoyable read.

Narrative - Internalizations

You write powerful inner monologues. You introduce these effectively by allowing the reader into the character’s head and hearing their direct thoughts.

Narration and dialogue: Balance

The balance between narration and dialogue might need to be reviewed. Dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text. You can show the reader by using natural-sounding dialogue. Remember not to overdo the narrative.

Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice

Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.

Characterization

Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me. We are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed. Rather than tell us about the characters, show us what they say and do. The reader should experience maximum sensory details in the same way characters do.

Main character

Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were highly convincing.

Character Conflict

The reader’s experience of the story is heightened when the characters’ goals, conflicts and purpose are clear. I found that this aspect of the story wasn’t as strong.

Plot and pace

Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot and conflict, which needed resolving.

Suspense and conflict

The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Think about the conflict and tension in your story. How effectively has it been introduced?

Technique and tight writing

The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.

Point of view

The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.

Style and originality

I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.

Atmosphere and description

Your story creates a vivid picture indeed. A feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.

Authentic setting

The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ moods and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.

Setting the scene and backstory

Our writing needs to set the tone, have a theme and just enough backstory. Perhaps this story could benefit from a clearer description of the physical or emotional setting in order to help readers orientate themselves as the story unfolds. It’s also a real skill to craft out how the characters react to that setting and atmosphere.
A nice amount of detail was given in the right tone for the genre to set the scene. I was fully immersed in the place and unfolding events. The way the characters reacted to the setting and atmosphere was cleverly done. The narrative is skillfully presented. I was never bogged down with information or backstory.

Opening paragraph and hook

Your strong and captivating opening grabbed me immediately and I couldn’t stop myself from reading on. Your use of detail created immediacy and held my attention until the very end.

Opening line

Your opening line was a promise of wonderful things to come and indeed your story was a good read. You capture the reader from the word go.

Review 2: