Deep in the forest a wind howled and the air grew warm. A blazing fire accompanied by a small shack, unknown by the town’s people. It is here that we will start our story, with a feeble old gypsy and a rare warm wind.
It was a fresh spring night. Fields outside the forested laced with long grass and wild flowers. The wind swirled along. It rose high above the trees and dove into the earth below. Leaving a trail of sparkling dust of dazzling purple, gold, and blue. All color reflecting beautifully in the moonlight. The field became the once great dance hall and the flowers and long grass replaced its dancers so yearn fully missed. The dancers became like waves to the mighty sea. Music carried by the wind dove and crashed and rose again demanding to be heard. A full orchestra sounded and the dancers rejoiced.
It was a loud crash of a symbol that made young Adelaide Knox wake from her bed. She went to her window and off in the distance, behind trees and over stonewalls she could see movement. She could hear the music; she could feel the warm wind. She grabbed her deep blue night robe from her armchair and threw it clumsily on over her white night gown. Looking like shades of winter she dashed out into the fresh spring night. Leaping like a deer through the trees. She could feel her heart pounding, feet flying. Suddenly she slowed. Stepping lightly, hiding behind trees, she noticed that the music had also slowed its pase. It was now one violin and a lane of dancers formed. It was an eerie melody that only drew her closer.
Her head said jump but her body floated over the last stonewall. Her foot touched the ground and pushed against it and she bounded gracefully into the air again. She approached the dancers wide-eyed. Just then there was a gust of wind, which blew her from herself. Dust of sparkling light grazed her body. She began to feel warm. She let go of all attachments. The wind rose her higher from the ground like a dancing partner. It spun her then threw her across the field only to keep again defining gravity to become one with the wind. She danced and flew and sung to the tune of magic.
Competition: June 2015 Pen Factor, Round 1
Attention to mechanics
- The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
- Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me and we are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed.
- Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing!