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The Day

The Day

When our parents turn old, we forget we become selfish. we forget the things they have done, we are superficial wanting more we say we want more for our children. This will be our future. A man is now seated awaiting his death and on his deathbed, their will be no one.

3

Coming-of-age / Young adult fiction


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Bleu (Australia)


The Day
The wind whispers a pleasant folk music. The harsh rain knocked on the cracked window sill of the abandoned shack. I see the first sign of water after the ruthless drought. Just receiving a small portion of water, the crops and grass are still parched and arid, instead of the contended, radiant crops and emerald grass. The rusted barbed wires stood its ground firmly, preserving the shack like guards defending from the daunting nemesis, penetrating the feeble village. The hopeless rolling hills stay there forbidding any happiness. As the vast sinister trees surround his shack. The dirt road that stretched made the stubborn artist who would paint this lifeless countryside, feel pointless of expressing his emotion on a canvas. They say every cloud has a silver lining but the light of the cloud was the only possession that held all his memories. A tree the age of him is yet lively and always in high spirits. Sitting on a wooden stool in the isolated, bleak kitchen is an elderly man staring at the sky to see if heaven can answer him. A question that doubted him and made him wonder. What am I doing here? His wrinkled, ancient face speak more than a 1000 words. The secrets, lies and truths, the bad and the goods that can’t be written by hand on paper but from experience. He was enclosed. A dove in a cage. No escape.
I sat at the park bench as the sun glistened passionately over The City That Never Sleeps. I can overlook the train station where businessman and lawyers are bustling all over to get into the entrance before being late for work. I tried to stand up but my body has a mind of its own, frustrated, I stood up as my bone creaked out of annoyance. I pace myself to the apartment which I share with my disloyal daughter and her loathsome husband and their young son Joseph. As I knocked on my contemporary apartment door, I heard a ruffled noise and then there was silence. In my mind I kept thinking they went to work which they usually go in the afternoon, but maybe going to a business deal at sunrise which usually happens. I breathe out a hefty grimace sigh as my back leaned on the door awaiting my children and grandchildren to come home. The hours crept in slyly. And as the lights flickered on forming a faint vile shadow that lurks through the careless night. I slept on the hostile forgetful tiles. And I sleep like a dream in a grave.
As the sun slowly rose up my eyes flickered open, I sigh a frustrated sigh seeing my children hasn’t open the door to welcome me in. Steadily I stood up to see a thunderous sky. I knocked. My daughter opens the door and just when I was going to step in the apartment. The door slammed in my face. Taking a few steps back, I glared, I knocked again no reply. They must have misunderstood me as a person from a company nagging them to purchase unnecessary items. Thinking over again being choked with the confiscated small place I walked outside like a dove who was granted freedom. Walking outside a cold icy breeze hits me as I breathed in the pollution that covers this city. As I walked across the street I saw a newspaper lying there sprawled with the bold demanding words ‘Parents Kicked Out Of Their Own Homes’. I shook my head with disapproval as the headline made my brain blurred, walking on the sidewalk as the cries from heaven shaking the sky. Staring back at a wall, I sat down as I hear the delightful sound of music a pleasant folk music with the soulful playing of the guitar smiling as if a five year old has received an early Christmas present. And as the heavens agreed the, scare sunlight shined in the thunderous clouds.
I sat down and I stayed there for a while as parents and student walk by to get to the private school. Then when I thought everything was going to be black and white I saw a small child with tousled brown hair with a cheeky grin on his face and a unclean uniform it can only be one person Joseph. He was in screaming colour. Joseph turned his head as he observed his surroundings and he planted his emerald green eyes towards me. He ran over with that ridiculous smile sitting on my lap evolving me in a heart-warming embrace. Then a hand gripped my grandson’s hand and yanked him towards the stranger but then as realisation hits me I saw my daughter. I rose an eyebrow at my daughter as she kneeled down to get to his height and spoke sternly to my grandson Joseph “What had I told you about strangers. “As he was about to reply my daughter cut him off, he continued after my daughter cut him off with a high authoritarian voice “That’s grandpa can’t you see.” My daughter fumed and shouted “Your delusional Joseph how is that grandpa!” As she carried out insults towards me as that I am deceitful to my status in society. She grabbed Joseph as Joseph kicked and scream to a place where studies is a priority and to follow your heart just an option.
Remembering the time I taught Joseph to play the guitar with the guitar. His face full of pride and satisfaction, when I first taught him he wasn’t that good but after a year with so much commitment and high spirits to pull off this care-free instrument. His heart-warming laughter rung the whole neighbourhood as he attain to play the pleasant folk music.
Now sitting on a wooden stool I hear the wind whispers a soft pleasant folk music, as tears of an angel from heaven run down my ancient face. The harsh rain knocked on the cracked window sill of the abandoned shack.









Competition: The Pen Factor 2016, Round 1

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Read Reviews

Review 1:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • There needs to be more balance between narration and dialogue. Avoid overdoing the narrative and remember that dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text.
Main character
  • Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing.
Style and originality
  • I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
  • Your strong opening was a promise of wonderful things to come!
General comments from your fellow writer 1:
I really like your beginning and end but I wish you had a better plot. Great job tho I loved it.

Review 2:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • The protagonist didn’t always respond believably against the backdrop of the story. Ask yourself if people would really answer to a situation in that way. Think about whether the characters’ voices could be more convincing for their age, background, gender, time period, genre, gender and ethnicity. Dialogue should be natural and consistent throughout the story.
Characterization
  • Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me and we are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed.
Main character
  • Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing.
Character conflict
  • The reader’s experience of the story is heightened when the characters’ goals, conflicts and purpose are clear. Perhaps giving this aspect of the story further attention could be worthwhile.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a difficult balancing act. Are you sure all the material is relevant to the plot, setting and atmosphere? Make sure each sentence makes sense to the reader, and each paragraph moves their experience forward.
Suspense and conflict
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The build-up was intriguing and I felt the tension mounting with each word.
Technique and tight writing
  • When writing is tight, economical and each word has purpose, it enables the plot to unravel clearly. Try and make each individual word count.
Point of view
  • Point of view helps the reader identify whose perspective we are engaging with, i.e. who is narrating the story. It can sometimes be helpful to double check that the point of view in the story is successfully handled. Ensure you consistently use the same point of view and tense throughout.
Style and originality
  • Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose is tricky. As writers, we face the daunting task of making sure we are not being predictable. Can you find a way to give the content and characters more of a unique edge? Perhaps say something boldly, something fresh or show an unorthodox approach to a topic?
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The scene needs to be vivid and realistic in order to hold the reader’s attention. Being concise and plausible at the same time is tricky. Giving this further attention could perhaps be worthwhile.
General comments from your fellow writer 2:
This is a good idea for a story. I think that it needs to be edited and the structure of the story needs to be looked at again. I found myself slightly confused at he beginning. Try to write in the same tense each time. There are some lovely descriptive lines and imagery.

Review 3:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • There needs to be more balance between narration and dialogue. Avoid overdoing the narrative and remember that dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
  • Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
  • Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing.
Character conflict
  • Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot.
Suspense and conflict
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The build-up was intriguing and I felt the tension mounting with each word.
Technique and tight writing
  • The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
  • I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.
Atmosphere and description
  • Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
  • Your strong opening was a promise of wonderful things to come!