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Changing Loveldn't see

Changing Loveldn't see

Meet Kathrine, a young woman with a strange but amazing ability. Watch as her life changes when she meets Victor, Jaime, and their friends. She discovers the feeling of love and realizes that not everybody is trying to hurt her.

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Romance / Women's fiction


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Kathy Honda (United States)


Once upon a time, there was a young woman named Kathy Jones. She was a different sort of woman; a woman with a wonderous power. She had the power to shapeshift. Though this was an amazing power, she rarely could control it. Those who knew of her power shunned her for it. She was a very beautiful woman. Her hair was long, blonde, and full of volume, and framed a face of clear skin and blue eyes. At a height of five foot three, her body was covered with tattoos and scars. The scars came from abusive relationships, boyfriends stabbing her cause they thought less of her because of her ability. Some were ones that she had drawn herself.
One day, she was walking, or should I say limping, down the sidewalk of a beautiful park filled with the romantic smell of roses. She had been stuck as a feline for some time, as she was too weak to transform into a human. She was filthy, with mud and dirt smeared into her white fur. A woman came and stepped on her already bruised tail. The woman kicked her into the wet grass, muttering to herself, 'FIlthy stray..." and walking on. Kathy lied in the grass, to tired to even raise her head, and fell asleep.
When Kathy awoke, she found herself in a bed. A soft, warm, and cozy one at that. She yawned and stretched to find that her bones didn't ache anymore, and her wounds were closed. She found that her fur was slightly wet, so she shook herself. A man stepped into the room, carrying a bowl, the stark whiteness contrasting with his caramel colored skin. "You're finally awake. I was worried that you were dead." He smiled and set the bowl down for her. "My name is Victor, and I brought you some food. I wasn't sure what you'd like, but I guess all cats like fish, right?" She slowly crawled towards the big white bowl, and when she got close enough, the delicious scent of tuna filled her. She wolfed down the entire bowl in under a minute. She hadn't eaten in a while. Victor smiled and smoothed his calloused hand over her ears, earning a purr of delight from her. "Good kitty. Such a pretty kitty." Another man came in the room. "Hey Vic! What's up?" Victor looked up at the new man and smiled, still petting Kathy. "Hey Jaime! I found this adorable little kitty in the park. I felt so bad for her, so I brought her here to clean her up a bit. She was filthy, and looked malnouriushed." Jaime gently smoothed his hand over her ears, making her purr even more. "Looks like you did a good job. She's so pretty...White fur, black paws...Your girlfriend would love her. Should we let Tony and Mike in on this, or are you just gonna give it to her?" Jaime picked Kathy up and stroked her far. Kathy was enjoying herself too much to resist. "Hmm, I may just keep her. She'd be an amazing stress reliever. And when Kellin comes over, Cope can play with her." Jaime nodded and stroked Kathy until she fell asleep.
She woke up in warmth. She looked around to find Jaime cuddling with her gently, careful not to hurt her. It was so dark that she couldn't see much. It must've been night time. She tried to go back to sleep, but to no avail. She quickly slipped out from under the man next to her and hopped onto the floor. The impact hurt, but not as bad as it would've before. She quietly padded throughout the room, discovering another bed with another man on it. She kept going around, eventually bumping into the door, pushing it open and sneaking out. She roamed a bit, then decided that it was too dark to wander, and ambled back to the room with Jaime and the other man. She jumped up into the bed to see Jaime turned over with his back to her. She curled up against his back and dozed off.
When she opened her eyes again, there were four men staring at her with shocked expressions. Jaime was still next to her, obviously avoiding her eyes and below her chin. She looked down to reassure herself that her fear was not real. It was. Instead of fur, there was human skin. Naked human skin. She quickly grabbed the blanket and covered her body. Vic was to first to speak. "Jaime...Who is she...?" "I-I have no idea. Last night I was sleeping with the cat and now she's gone and replaced with a..." Victor went over to her and spoke in a calm voice, afraid he would scare her. "Hi...What's your name?" "I-It's K-Kathrine...But you can call me K-Kathy..." She answered timidly, hiding her face away when she finished speaking. "Hi Kathy. I'm Victor, that's Mike in the doorway, that's Tony on the other bed, and the one next to you is-" "Jaime, right? I remember you from last night. You're really warm." Jaime's face went tomato red. "Yes, that's my name...I don't remember you at all, sorry..." "Silly, I'm the one you found yesterday. In the park? You took me here and bathed me? You were cuddling with me last night. "...You're the little kitty from last night...?" "Yeah...I can shapeshift..."


Competition: The Pen Factor 2016, Round 1

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Read Reviews

Review 1:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • There needs to be more balance between narration and dialogue. Avoid overdoing the narrative and remember that dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
  • Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me and we are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed.
Main character
  • Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
  • The reader’s experience of the story is heightened when the characters’ goals, conflicts and purpose are clear. Perhaps giving this aspect of the story further attention could be worthwhile.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a difficult balancing act. Are you sure all the material is relevant to the plot, setting and atmosphere? Make sure each sentence makes sense to the reader, and each paragraph moves their experience forward.
Suspense and conflict
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Your story makes compelling reading.
Technique and tight writing
  • When writing is tight, economical and each word has purpose, it enables the plot to unravel clearly. Try and make each individual word count.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Atmosphere and description
  • A writer’s ability to create mood and atmosphere through evocative description is vital to the reader’s experience. It’s a real skill to craft out how the characters react to the setting and atmosphere and perhaps your story could go further in its description. The reader wants to experience the same sensory and poignant journey as the characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Opening line and hook
  • Your strong opening and compelling hook was a promise of wonderful things to come!
General comments from your fellow writer 1:
I really loved this opening chapter. The title of it though seems to have gotten messed up on the site. I read it as "Changing Loveldn't See" and that doesn't seem right. Also, near the end when she was human again Kathy said to Jaime that he was the one who found her and took her home but earlier you established that it was actually Victor who found her. It would be interesting to maybe delve a little deeper into Kathy's backstory to how she got the ability to shape shift and how her family reacted to it. Overall, this was a great first chapter and I personally would love to read more.

Review 2:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Characterization
  • Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me and we are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed.
Main character
  • Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing!
Character conflict
  • The reader’s experience of the story is heightened when the characters’ goals, conflicts and purpose are clear. Perhaps giving this aspect of the story further attention could be worthwhile.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a difficult balancing act. Are you sure all the material is relevant to the plot, setting and atmosphere? Make sure each sentence makes sense to the reader, and each paragraph moves their experience forward.
Suspense and conflict
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Your story makes compelling reading.
Technique and tight writing
  • When writing is tight, economical and each word has purpose, it enables the plot to unravel clearly. Try and make each individual word count.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
  • Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose is tricky. As writers, we face the daunting task of making sure we are not being predictable. Can you find a way to give the content and characters more of a unique edge? Perhaps say something boldly, something fresh or show an unorthodox approach to a topic?
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Opening line and hook
  • Great books, nowadays, start with a powerful opening and compelling hook in order to keep the reader engaged. Have you baited the reader enough?
General comments from your fellow writer 2:
Well, first off, your story included characters that were from Pierce the Veil and Sleeping With Sirens, which is to say they weren't "characters" at all! Your writing shows promise, and as I understand it this is the first chapter in a book of sorts, but there wasn't really a clear conflict, or any explanations for the events that occurred. The opening phrase "Once upon a time" and transition "One day" seem stiff and out of place in a modern, original story. In the future, trust your ability to move away from "fanfiction"! Your character Kathy (unless it's another musical artist I'm not aware of) was compelling and layered, so I know you can do it! Create all your characters from now on! (Side note, nice taste in music, Copeland is adorable, where is PTV's new album?!?)

Review 3:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
  • Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
  • Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
  • The reader’s experience of the story is heightened when the characters’ goals, conflicts and purpose are clear. Perhaps giving this aspect of the story further attention could be worthwhile.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot.
Suspense and conflict
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Your story makes compelling reading.
Technique and tight writing
  • When writing is tight, economical and each word has purpose, it enables the plot to unravel clearly. Try and make each individual word count.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
  • I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.
Atmosphere and description
  • A writer’s ability to create mood and atmosphere through evocative description is vital to the reader’s experience. It’s a real skill to craft out how the characters react to the setting and atmosphere and perhaps your story could go further in its description. The reader wants to experience the same sensory and poignant journey as the characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The scene needs to be vivid and realistic in order to hold the reader’s attention. Being concise and plausible at the same time is tricky. Giving this further attention could perhaps be worthwhile.
Opening line and hook
  • Great books, nowadays, start with a powerful opening and compelling hook in order to keep the reader engaged. Have you baited the reader enough?
General comments from your fellow writer 3:
I love the overall concept. The story could use some tightening and editing but shows a lot of promise. Look at it closely to make sure it flows the way you want it too. With a little work it could be awesome.