VIEW LEADERBOARD

Sidelines

Sidelines

Lily has lived through an orphanage and foster homes for most of her life. The one thing that she had to call her own was an old, deflated football that her social worker said used to belong to her father. After years of traveling to multiple homes and meeting new boys, Lily quickly became an exceptional football player herself. When she is finally adopted by a wealthy family, she thought she would finally have the chance to play real football. Her dreams are crushed, though, when the quarterback of the team flat out refuses to allow her to play. In order to solve this problem, with the help of her new brother and a former football player, Lily transforms into a boy and tries out for the football team.

1

Action / Adventure


author-small

Kit Miller (United States)


I couldn’t stop shaking from excitement. That final play replayed in my mind over and over. The way the quarterback threw the ball was picture perfect, and the wide receiver performed his duty flawlessly. I hurt my throat from yelling so much; I hadn’t felt this pumped up since my own last football game. I wanted to talk to the team so bad and congratulate them. Every single one of them, from the quarterback to the safety to the kicker. I needed to talk to all of them.
“You are going to introduce me to the team, right?” I clarified to my brother for the fifth time as we got up from our seats. I was so excited to leave I almost forgot my hotdog and soda, which I had laid down beside me, and totally forgot, at the beginning of the fourth quarter.
“Yes, Lily for the last time, I will introduce you. Will you quit bugging me about it?” My brother, Rinaldo, snapped in annoyance.
Not even my brother’s sour mood could dampen my own upbeat one. I sipped at my water-downed soda nervously. Rinaldo lead me through the swarm of people clustered outside the locker room, where some of the players were emerging from. My breathing grew more shallow as my brother called out to the players by name. Within a minute, Rinaldo had managed to pull five members of the football team away from the enormous crowd.
“You guys were awesome, as always,” Rinaldo said as a way of congratulations.
“Thanks for coming Rinaldo, glad you enjoyed yourself,” One of the guys replied good-naturedly.
Rinaldo reached out to where I was standing, cowering like a lost puppy, and wrapped his arm around my shoulders.
“Fellas, my sister Lily here forced me to introduce her to you guys. Lily this is Koda, Jet, Donatello, Luke, and Brett,” Rinaldo said, pointing to each guy in turn.
My eyes flittered over each player, analyzing their physical build and trying to guess which position they played, but it was the last one that had me transfixed. Rinaldo nudged my shoulder. I blushed when I realized I’d been staring too long.
“Wow, you’re the wide receiver, right? The one that scored the winning touchdown?” I asked excitedly.
Brett nodded humbly.
“Yeah, that would be me. Pleased to meet you, Lily,” He extended his hand like a perfect gentleman. I shook it enthusiastically.
“You never told me you had a sister,” Jet said to my brother.
“My parents just adopted her last month,” Rinaldo replied.
“Oh man. How old are you?” Donatello asked me.
“I’ll be 17 in three weeks,” I replied.
“How long have you been in foster care?” Brett asked.
I scrunched up my face, trying to remember.
“Um, I think about 11 years.”
All the football players except Koda looked surprised.
“Dang.” I heard Luke whisper.
I saw the pitying look on everyone’s faces.
“Oh no it’s fine, I didn’t mind.” I said quickly, feeling embarrassed.
Suddenly more people started appearing around us, calling for Brett and the others.
“Sorry for keeping you guys from your adoring fans. I’ll see you at school tomorrow.” Rinaldo said to the guys.
We waved goodbye and started walking to the parking lot. A large sign on the outskirts of the field caught my eye. “Next Season Sign Up”. I stopped in my tracks and stared at it. A large group of boys were already gathered around it. A lot of them were large and muscular like Koda and Donatello, but others were around my height and build. I scoffed. Well if those guys could sign up then so could I. I started marching over to the table with the sign.
“Lily! What are you doing?” I heard Rinaldo call but I ignored him. I pushed my way through the crowd of boys until I reached the table with the sign up sheet. I grabbed a pen and snatched the sheet off the table, only to have it snatched back out of my hands.
“Hey!” I exclaimed, turning to yell at the person.
I froze when I realized who it was that grabbed the sheet. It was Vincent, the quarterback. I’d heard rumors about him and the way he trained his team, and if his own rippling arm muscles were any indication, it appeared that the rumors were true. He’s also fiercely competitive and merciless. He cocked an eyebrow at me and frowned disapprovingly.
“Listen here darling, if you really want a football player’s number you’re going to have to be a little more creative with your approach,” He sneered at me. I glared up at him angrily.
“I’m not here for their stupid numbers, I’m here to sign up to play,” I told him.
Vincent laughed softly, fueling my growing frustration. He finally looked down at me and stopped when he saw my face.
“Oh, you’re not joking are you? I hate to break it to you sweetheart, but no girls are allowed to play. I’m sure if you asked Coach nicely enough he’ll let you be manager.”
I crossed my arms and glared at him.
“I don’t want to be manager, I want to play.”
“Well that’s not happening.”
“And why not?” I demanded.
Vincent ran a hand threw his hair. He looked down at me like I was a little kid that didn’t understand anything.
“Because you’re small and weak. I can’t play the game properly if I’m worrying about you getting hurt or fondled all the time,” He said in a concerned tone. I almost believed him.
“That’s a load of crap. You just don’t want a girl on your team because you’re afraid I’ll pull you guys down.”
Vincent’s entire demeanor changed after that. He suddenly looked dark and dangerous. He stared down at me passionately.
“You’re right. I’ve invested all my free time in this team. I’ve worked too hard to bring us to where we are today: championship winners. I’m not willing to risk all that on a small girl. Our seniors were our pillars, with them leaving we need new, strong, capable players.”
“I AM strong and capable,” I tried reasoning.
Vincent actually smiled softly down at me.
“What’s your name?” He asked.
“Lily,” I grumbled, for once ashamed of my incredibly feminine name.
“Well, Lily, you’re determined, I’ll give you that. But I’m sorry, it simply can’t be done.”
I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see Rinaldo standing protectively behind me.
“I’m sorry, is there a problem here?” Rinaldo asked Vincent.
Vincent jerked his chin at me.
“Is she with you?”
“Yes, this is my sister.”
“I see. No, there isn’t a problem here. Lily and I were just discussing the game,” Vincent nodded to me, “I enjoyed our talk. I hope to see you around later.”
I watched as Vincent sauntered away to his fans. Rinaldo’s grip on my shoulder tightened.
“Are you okay?” He asked.
“Yeah. Fine,” I said in a clipped tone.
Rinaldo turned me around and started leading me through the crowd of boys. A lot of them stared, no doubt hearing the exchange between Vincent and I. I glanced back at the table and snatched one of the flyers before the crowd swallowed me. When I broke out of the crowd Rinaldo was waiting for me. He glanced down at the flyer in my hand but didn’t comment on it. We weaved through the parking lot until we found Rinaldo’s black truck. As soon as he started the truck, Rinaldo cranked up the volume on the radio and rolled down the windows. We pulled out of the parking lot and cruised down the streets. Rinaldo tapped on the steering wheel to the beat of the song playing. He mouthed the words as well and glared at me when I giggled at him. He reached over with his arm and put his hand on my face and shoved me away. I laughed around his fingers and scooted out of reaching distance. Rinaldo smiled at me and withdrew his arm. Someone beside us honked at us. Rinaldo glanced out his window and laughed when he saw his basketball buddies driving right beside us. The light up ahead of us turned red and we came to a stop. Rinaldo leaned out his window and started chatting up his friends. The driver of the car revved the engine. A challenge. Rinaldo revved his own engine back. Challenge accepted.


Competition: June 2015 Pen Factor, Round 1

SEE MORE LIKE THIS



Read Reviews

Review 1:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to Mechanics
  • You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story. It’s always a pleasure to read polished English.
Mechanics - Narration Styles
  • You handled the story’s narrative modes appropriately and accurately, making it a clear and enjoyable read.
Narrative - Internalizations
  • Consider how you might make use of stronger inner monologues. This allows the reader to hear the protoganist’s direct and private thoughts. Did he want to marry her? Not really.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • Your story struck a good balance between narration and believable dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • The protagonist didn’t always respond believably against the backdrop of the story. Ask yourself if people would really answer to a situation in that way. Think about whether the character’s voice could be more convincing for their age, background, gender, time period, genre, gender and ethnicity. Dialogue should be natural and consistent throughout the story.
Characterization
  • Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
  • Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization and be careful not to linger on minor characters. Perhaps your protagonist could have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character Conflict
  • Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals, conflicts and purpose were introduced and I wanted to find out more about them.
Plot and pace
  • The reader needs to know what the hero wants and what drives them. This might not be divulged in chapter one but we need a strong urge to read on and find out. There needs to be an antagonist - either someone or something that gets in-between the protagonist and their goal. The antagonist can be anything from a person to an obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Conflict
  • Regardless of the genre, it’s good to create an impact from the onset. If it’s a crime novel, start with a dead body, for example. If it’s a romance, start with the dishonoured laird having to sell the family seat to a dashing shipping tycoon. The young heiress swears she will smear his good name.
Suspense
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Your story makes compelling reading.
Technique and tight writing
  • The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Point of view
  • Point of view helps the reader identify whose perspective we are engaging with, ie who is narrating the story. It can sometimes be helpful to double check that the point of view in the story is successfully handled. Make sure that your use of POV is consistent with the narrative, and does not confuse the reader.
Style and originality
  • Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice. Can you find a way to give the content and characters more of a unique edge? Don’t be predictable: say something boldly, something fresh or show an unorthodox approach to a topic.
  • I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.
Atmosphere and description
  • Just like the physical setting, the writer’s ability to create mood and atmosphere is vital to the reader’s experience. Your story could perhaps go further in its description by indulging as many of the reader’s five senses as possible. 'Show, don’t tell'. The reader wants to experience the same sensory and poignant journey as the characters.
Authentic setting
  • The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ moods and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Setting the scene and backstory
  • Our writing needs to set the tone, have a theme and just enough backstory. Perhaps this story could benefit from a clearer description of the physical or emotional setting in order to help readers orientate themselves as the story unfolds. It’s also a real skill to craft out how the characters react to that setting and atmosphere.
Opening hook
  • You caught my attention with your strong hook. It was well written and I was intrigued from the word go. I wanted to find out what happens, and how the main character develops.
Opening line
  • Your opening line is a promise of wonderful things to come and I was not disappointed. This is a page-turner.

Review 2:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to Mechanics
  • You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story. It’s always a pleasure to read polished English.
Mechanics - Narration Styles
  • You handled the story’s narrative modes appropriately and accurately, making it a clear and enjoyable read.
Narrative - Internalizations
  • You write powerful inner monologues. You introduce these effectively by allowing the reader into the character’s head and hearing their direct thoughts.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • Your story struck a good balance between narration and believable dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
  • Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
  • Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were highly convincing.
Character Conflict
  • Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals, conflicts and purpose were introduced and I wanted to find out more about them.
Plot and pace
  • A truly absorbing story! Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The chapter was engaging and gripping! The story had a coherent progression with a structured conflict.
Conflict
  • The build-up was intriguing and kept me on the edge of my seat the whole way through! I felt the tension mount with each word.
Suspense
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Your story makes compelling reading.
Technique and tight writing
  • The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
  • I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.
Atmosphere and description
  • Your story creates a vivid picture indeed. A feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic setting
  • The scene needs to be vivid and realistic in order to hold the reader’s attention. Being plausible and concise at the same time is tricky. Perhaps giving this further attention would be worthwhile.
Setting the scene and backstory
  • A nice amount of detail was given in the right tone for the genre to set the scene. I was fully immersed in the place and unfolding events. The way the characters reacted to the setting and atmosphere was cleverly done. The narrative is skillfully presented. I was never bogged down with information or backstory.
Opening hook
  • You caught my attention with your strong hook. It was well written and I was intrigued from the word go. I wanted to find out what happens, and how the main character develops.
Opening line
  • Your opening line is a promise of wonderful things to come and I was not disappointed. This is a page-turner.

Review 3:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to Mechanics
  • The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
  • You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story. It’s always a pleasure to read polished English.
Mechanics - Narration Styles
  • You handled the story’s narrative modes appropriately and accurately, making it a clear and enjoyable read.
Narrative - Internalizations
  • You write powerful inner monologues. You introduce these effectively by allowing the reader into the character’s head and hearing their direct thoughts.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • Your story struck a good balance between narration and believable dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
  • Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
  • Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were highly convincing.
Character Conflict
  • Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals, conflicts and purpose were introduced and I wanted to find out more about them.
Plot and pace
  • A truly absorbing story! Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The chapter was engaging and gripping! The story had a coherent progression with a structured conflict.
Conflict
  • The build-up was intriguing and kept me on the edge of my seat the whole way through! I felt the tension mount with each word.
Suspense
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Your story makes compelling reading.
Technique and tight writing
  • The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
  • I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.
Atmosphere and description
  • Your story creates a vivid picture indeed. A feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic setting
  • The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ moods and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Setting the scene and backstory
  • A nice amount of detail was given in the right tone for the genre to set the scene. I was fully immersed in the place and unfolding events. The way the characters reacted to the setting and atmosphere was cleverly done. The narrative is skillfully presented. I was never bogged down with information or backstory.
Opening hook
  • You caught my attention with your strong hook. It was well written and I was intrigued from the word go. I wanted to find out what happens, and how the main character develops.
Opening line
  • Your opening line is a promise of wonderful things to come and I was not disappointed. This is a page-turner.