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Neither Will You

Neither Will You

A man, questionably, gives a speech to a hall full of American voters.

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Literary fiction


author-small

Lawcke (United States)


The room was so quiet, the only sound that could be heard, even in the far corners at the back of the auditorium, was the beating of one man’s heart. A vast hall seating sixty-thousand souls, and the only sound...was the rhythm of the man on the stage. No microphone was needed; the tall black walls made sure that the sound of a pin drop was clearly carried, to the note. And he had their attention. Their respect. Their expectation. Held out so brazenly, worn with such raw candor, it was as delicate as blown glass in the moment. Whatever he said now, would either secure his position, or dismantle it to the point of criminalization.
He was a powerful man. The word was almost tailored for him. Tall, at least six foot three, maybe bigger, and built. Not in the burly, heap of meat sense that modern bodybuilders enjoy, but like an astute hero from some legend. He was Perseus upon the stage. Superman. King Arthur. Why, his eyes shone like the very blade of Excalibur if you were looking at him right. Him in a navy blue pinstripe, sporting a fine red tie, was like watching American patriotism come to life before your very eyes. His blond hair must have been unruly in the morning; it was too thick and wavy to be believed otherwise, but whoever combed the lion’s mane made it out in a way that struck one like molten gold. His teeth were so white and straight, his smile flashed in your peripheries. No man in the room could decide whether they wanted to be him, be his father, or shoot him for stealing the heart of his wife. And his heart beat so strong, it was heard, and felt, throughout the amphitheater.
But upon this moment and his lips they teetered, waiting for him to say something; to say anything. His eyes swept the crowd almost as slowly as his head, piercing through the dark like winter wind following the northern lights. His tongue was either silver or lead, but either way his words would be heavy. He grinned. He couldn’t help himself. These sorts of things were always funny to him, or, at least, mildly amusing. But this one was special to him. He had waited a good while for all of this to come together. He knew exactly what he was doing; he just wanted to savor it for a few beats of silence.
“You all know, that today...is a day of singularity.” He began, slowly, his voice clear and bright; filling the hall with the earnestness of his youth. “Today, seventy million American lives are avenged.”
The crowd swayed, responding like a sea of heat sensitive tendrils.
“Today, the brave men and women who believed that you...that me...that this country was worth something more than what could be communicated at the end of a barrel of a gun...Those men and women see justice. Today, liberty is secured everywhere, in every way, completely, and indefinitely. Today, world suffering, crimes against humanity, war, poverty...come to an end. Perhaps too late. Perhaps. But better now, than never. Today our soldiers, American soldiers, return to United States soil. Return home. Because there is no more need to run, no more need to stand for those who cannot protect themselves. The cruel and powerful will never again stand upon the shoulders of the kind and underprivileged. Today, ladies and gentlemen, nobody will weep, because today terrorism died.”
There was still silence. They were caught; moths to the flame. Entranced and hypnotized by his words, words that held weight, just as he knew they would.
“For years the heavens were a place of uncertainty, every country deploying thousands of satellites into orbit. The Soviet Union once used this freedom to oppress its own people. Castro, Kim Jong Un, Mao Zedong; leaders who used the infinite potential of a watchful eye to create a very finite potential for the world. Those days are over. As of yesterday evening, every non-American satellite in the sky...was thrown into history. The United States of America controls one hundred percent of the information network around the globe. A world connected by the internet, but only now is it unified. By us. By you; the people who suffered through miscellaneous bombings, faced absolute fear, but still shouldered the responsibility of the world like Atlas held the heavens. First we found liberty. Later we established racial equality. Today, we finally ensure peace. Thanks to the people of this country, thanks to you, the ultimate goal of humanity is finally more than a fantasy.”
The audience exploded forth, screaming and jumping out of their seats and clapping manically. He always had a difficult time understanding how this was an expression of approval; it always seemed so abrasive. But he relished it all the same. He was good at his job. The best. And the way he saw it, if people knew what was best for them, he would be out of business. Lucky that none of them did. So that was his job; to tell them what was good, what was bad, and how to feel about it. They were very good listeners, and he liked the sound of his own voice, so it was what one might call a symbiotic relationship.
He smiled and held up a hand. They hushed on cue.
“It is when we are closest to success, that we must assert the most diligence. Arrogance is as much our enemy as radicals ever were. Making the world one, liberating all; these are not things to be worn like medals of war upon the American visage. Medals are designed to set others apart and assert distinction. The American dream has never been to parade our superiority over the peoples of the world, but to share with them the great liberties of our own Nation, and to add to those liberties with every passing age. We have brothers and sisters out there; it is our job to welcome them.”


Competition: June 2015 Pen Factor, Round 1

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Read Reviews

Review 1:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • There needs to be more balance between narration and dialogue. Avoid overdoing the narrative and remember that dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
  • Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
  • Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
  • The reader’s experience of the story is heightened when the characters’ goals, conflicts and purpose are clear. Perhaps giving this aspect of the story further attention could be worthwhile.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot. A truly absorbing story!
Technique and tight writing
  • When writing is tight, economical and each word has purpose, it enables the plot to unravel clearly. Try and make each individual word count.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
  • I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice. Impressive.
Atmosphere and description
  • A writer’s ability to create mood and atmosphere through evocative description is vital to the reader’s experience. It’s a real skill to craft out how the characters react to the setting and atmosphere and perhaps your story could go further in its description. The reader wants to experience the same sensory and poignant journey as the characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The scene needs to be vivid and realistic in order to hold the reader’s attention. Being concise and plausible at the same time is tricky. Giving this further attention could perhaps be worthwhile.
Opening line and hook
  • Your strong opening and compelling hook was a promise of wonderful things to come. I was hooked!

Review 2:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Main character
  • Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing!
Point of view
  • Point of view helps the reader identify whose perspective we are engaging with, i.e. who is narrating the story. It can sometimes be helpful to double check that the point of view in the story is successfully handled. Ensure you consistently use the same point of view and tense throughout, either: a) First person; b) Third-person limited; or c) Third-person omniscient.
Opening line and hook
  • Great books, nowadays, start with a powerful opening and compelling hook in order to keep the reader engaged. Have you baited the reader enough?

Review 3:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • There needs to be more balance between narration and dialogue. Avoid overdoing the narrative and remember that dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • The protagonist didn’t always respond believably against the backdrop of the story. Ask yourself if people would really answer to a situation in that way. Think about whether the characters’ voices could be more convincing for their age, background, gender, time period, genre, gender and ethnicity. Dialogue should be natural and consistent throughout the story.
Technique and tight writing
  • When writing is tight, economical and each word has purpose, it enables the plot to unravel clearly. Try and make each individual word count.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
  • I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice. Impressive.