VIEW LEADERBOARD

The day she ended

The day she ended

a young girl is taken from her mother whilst on holiday.

2

Crime / Suspense / Mystery / Thriller


author-small

Lou Taylor (United Kingdom)


They hate me, they all do. They blame me, they put themselves in my position but re-write the ending. They tell me they don't blame me but I know they do, how could anyone not when there is a constant ring of whispering in the background?

It hurts; remembering her hurts. One therapist, of the dozen I've had, once told me to remember the good things, the positive things. It's hard to do that when the only thing you see when you hear her name is her small body struggling under the immense grip of the masked man.



"Mummy look!" cheered my darling Gabrielle whilst throwing sand around on the empty beach.

"Don't make to much mess sweetheart," I said, aware of the fact that telling an 8 year old not to make a mess is like telling a brick to jump through a hoop. After chuckling at my revelation for a few seconds, I returned to reading my book, quite contented at the warm, rare evening that has blessed the shores of England. With this I felt at peace with the world.

Peace. Freedom from disturbance; tranquility. It never lasts forever, I should of knew this, but my head and my heart had crossed each other, I was under the illusion of happiness.

"MUMMY!"
"MUMMY HELP!"

A terrified shrill rang through the air, it's a sound no mother, father or any person wants to hear. But it's a sound that was forced upon me. My instincts kicked in, and my body took over.

I remember running, I remember watching my daughter's body crumple under the weight of the monstrous giant. I remember screaming, crying at him to put my daughter, my innocent child down. Her golden locks that would once fall gently down her back, cushioning, protecting her head, sparked electrically, as she was dragged further and further from me. Her blue eyes that would light up with kindness, curiosity and reflected her innocent soul were crazed with fear and dread. They were calling out for me, but I couldn't reach them, I couldn't save them. Her whole body convulsed under the extraordinary grip of the man. She kicked vigorously with all she could until her body gave way to what I only assume is death.

I ran with everything I had, my legs took over my body, my eyes set on one thing only, my only one. I remember running, running for her, screaming for her. Until I heard a gunshot.

Please don't leave me here! My body wouldn't allow words.

Blood had spiraled out of my body and my head had hit the floor. My body had given up. I remember looking out onto the ocean, and thinking of something my mother once said to me, "the ocean is a gateway to all kinds of possibilities the heart could never imagine." I remember looking out onto the ocean once more, blinking, and thinking that at this very moment, she couldn’t be more wrong. Then as if on cue, empty, black nothingness engulfed me, and I didn't fight it this time.


Competition: June 2015 Pen Factor, Round 1

SEE MORE LIKE THIS



Read Reviews

Review 1:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
  • Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me and we are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed.
Main character
  • Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing!
Character conflict
  • The reader’s experience of the story is heightened when the characters’ goals, conflicts and purpose are clear. Perhaps giving this aspect of the story further attention could be worthwhile.
Suspense and conflict
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Your story makes compelling reading!
Technique and tight writing
  • When writing is tight, economical and each word has purpose, it enables the plot to unravel clearly. Try and make each individual word count.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
  • I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice. Impressive.
Atmosphere and description
  • A writer’s ability to create mood and atmosphere through evocative description is vital to the reader’s experience. It’s a real skill to craft out how the characters react to the setting and atmosphere and perhaps your story could go further in its description. The reader wants to experience the same sensory and poignant journey as the characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The scene needs to be vivid and realistic in order to hold the reader’s attention. Being concise and plausible at the same time is tricky. Giving this further attention could perhaps be worthwhile.

Review 2:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
  • You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
  • Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
  • Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing!
Character conflict
  • Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals, conflicts and purpose were clearly introduced and I wanted to find out more about them.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot. A truly absorbing story!
Suspense and conflict
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Your story makes compelling reading!
Technique and tight writing
  • The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
  • I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice. Impressive.
Atmosphere and description
  • Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.

Review 3:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
  • You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Main character
  • Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing!
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot. A truly absorbing story!
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.