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Child's play

Child's play

Nothing good ever happens when two eight-year-old misfits decide to have some fun. Especially when said misfits are the super-powered Artemis and Rachel. They might only be eight, but they're incredibly intelligent, have their own scars, and are very, very different.

2

Action / Adventure


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Zoha Baig (United States)


~~A quiet girl sat by herself, staring wistfully at the setting sun. This was her favorite time of day. The sun had only begun to set, leaving most of the sky its regular blue, but bathing the top in strawberry pinks, dandelion-colored light yellows, and rosy reds. It was rare moments like these where she could stop and think, simply allowing herself to calm her thoughts underneath a beautiful scene. There were still police sirens wailing pitifully in the distance, and the whirring blades of a helicopter sounding from somewhere nearby, but it was Manhattan, after all. She was used to it.
Her quiet was broken when a petite figure (about her size) plummeted through the sky, screaming a profanity as it fell onto the roof of the crumbling apartment building she was perched on.
Hence why her treasured moments of peace and quiet were rare.
As the figure landed with a loud ‘thud’, it created a small fissure on the apartment roof. The girl sighed, brushed some of her oddly-colored hair away from her face, and walked over to examine the damage. Luckily, the apartment was due for demolition anyways.
At the center of the fissure of concrete was a young girl, about her age (which was eight). Her eyes were shut as she groaned in pain. Her blonde hair was spread out all around her like a halo of some sort, and the sunset seemed to make it glow as if it was made of pure gold. Her tan complexion contrasted with the hair, but somehow suited her anyways. Her eyes suddenly fluttered open, revealing their unique blue-grey hue to the girl. They seemed to be more of a grey color at the moment, indicating the new arrival’s irritation.
“Stupid powers.” She muttered, wincing as she got up to brush her black, slim jeans.
“Hasn’t anyone ever told you? Stupid is a bad word.” Her companion replied with her eyes lit up in amusement.
Her companion scoffed, rolling her own eyes “Shut up Rachel.” She retorted.
“I was only joking, you know. Now come here. What have you managed to injure this time?”
“Well, nothing’s broken. Just a few bruises and a sprained ankle.”
“You got lucky then.”
“Don’t I always?” She quipped, eyes flickering blue in their playfulness.
“Come to think of it Artemis, I suppose you do. Hold still.” Rachel answered, her hands engulfed in a calm blue glow. Artemis’s ankle, as well as several areas she had bruised, took on a glow of the same color, before fading away.
Rachel noticed a particularly purple bruise on her arm. It took on the shape of a hand and looked horribly marring on the tan skin. “How did you get that one?” She asked gently. She knew it hadn’t come from the fall…
“Training”. She replied, eyes filling with a familiar emotion: sorrow. “Working on my archery, you know? Nothing new.”
“I know it’s nothing new, that’s the problem. What really happened to your arm? Don’t bother lying to me Artemis; it’s a waste of breath.”
“Well, I was training with archery with my dad. And well, I kind of missed a target…”
“So he beat you. Again. Artemis, don’t you think it’s time you left that accursed house?”
“I can’t Rachel, he’d find me. It’s about as obvious as your purple hair.”
Indeed, Rachel’s hair was naturally purple. The dark violet color brought out her greyish complexion and stuck out like a sore thumb. Her eyes were a matching shade; a beautiful amethyst color that looked as though they were made of the crystals themselves. She opened her mouth to respond, but before she could, Artemis cut her off.
“So, when is the show starting?”
“In a minute or two, according to the information you found.”
“Too bad we don’t have popcorn.”
Rachel opened her mouth to respond, but was once again cut off, this time by a loud explosion coming from the jewelry store a few feet away. Artemis grinned with a childlike excitement (sometimes Rachel forgot that they were still eight years old) and sat down at the edge of the building, her legs dangling off the side. Several masked men came out of the store, with old-fashioned burlap sacks over their shoulders. Before they could advance any further, however, a thick purple smoke appeared in front of them, and from it emerged a man roughly forty years old. His black hair and blue eyes contrasted sharply, and he had a neatly trimmed moustache. He wore a black, old-fashioned coattail jacket and a white formal shirt, as well as a red bowtie. The girls smiled, and the battle was on. The man, who seemed to be a real magician, used spells and incantations to fight the burglars, during the battle, Rachel noticed something out of the corner of her eye, hidden in the shadows.
“What’s that?” She asked Artemis.
“A young girl about our age.” She leaned forward a little and squinted. “She has black hair and sky blue eyes. Looks bored too.”
“How can you see that far?”
“Training. You have to be able to catch every detail, or you could end up being recognized, leaving a witness, or even worse. Back on the topic of the girl, we should go say hi!”
“Artemis, this isn’t just some lonely school girl. She’s obviously Zatara’s daughter. The Zatara, as in a crime-fighting magician! We can’t just walk up to her, her father would kill us!”
“Why? We’re just a pair of eight year olds. It’s completely normal for eight year olds to talk.”
“My hair and eyes are purple! That is not normal!”
Unluckily for Rachel, Artemis just ignored her protests. With a cry of ‘Just try to keep up!’ she was off, flipping from building to building and occasionally using her powers to create bright orange flames at her feet that propelled her further upwards. Rachel sighed in exasperation. Her best friend was going to get her arrested one day. Surrounding herself with a glowing black aura and teleporting to the building above the alley the girl was standing in. By the time she got there, Artemis was already on the same roof, breathing heavily but with a glimmer in her eyes.
“Hey” She said quietly enough to not attract the magician’s attention (he was only a few yards away) but loud enough so that his daughter could hear. She looked around, but did not notice them perched on the building as if that was completely normal. Artemis flattened herself out on her stomach and pushed forward, so that she was only a few centimeters away from plummeting out of the air for the second time that day. “Hey, up here!”
This time the girl did look up, and her eyes filled with curiosity when she saw the possibly psychotic blonde girl hanging off the side of a three story building and her violet-eyed friend (who had put up her hood so that her hair didn’t show).
“What’s up? You look bored.”
She crossed her arms and scoffed “My dad gets to fight villains, work with other heroes, and do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I get stuck watching him from alleys so I ‘don’t get hurt’. My name’s Azlea by the way.”
“Well, Azlea, do you want to hang out with us?”
“That would be awesome! I don’t have any friends in school, so I don’t usually get to hang out with other kids my age. Wait- my dad will never say yes!” Azlea sighed in disappointment.
Rachel’s eyes glinted in mischief “Who says we have to ask? We could just ‘kidnap’ you.”
Artemis smirked, now this was the perfect plan.

“So, you met Aunt Artemis and Aunt Rachel in an alley, and they were on top of a building?” a young girl asked, tilting her head to the side in curiosity.
“Yes, Aster, that’s how I made my two first friends. In retrospect, if I was a little smarter and a lot less bored, I probably wouldn’t have let them ‘kidnap’ me in the first place.”
“That’s so cool! Do you think Aunt Arty can teach me to flip off of buildings too?” the girl’s twin asked. They both had black, wavy hair, but only Aster had their mother’s sky blue eyes. Her sister’s eyes were darker, and often twinkled like sapphires.
“Maybe when you’re a little older, Ella. Now both of you go upstairs and sleep. I don’t want you to annoy the babysitter. Your father will be back from his trip tomorrow afternoon.”
“Goodnight, mom!” Both girls called out in unison before racing each other upstairs.
Azlea just shook her head and smiled. She hoped that the babysitter would arrive soon.
After all, she didn’t want to keep Artemis and Rachel waiting for too long.


Competition: June 2015 Pen Factor, Round 1

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Read Reviews

Review 1:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • The protagonist didn’t always respond believably against the backdrop of the story. Ask yourself if people would really answer to a situation in that way. Think about whether the characters’ voices could be more convincing for their age, background, gender, time period, genre, gender and ethnicity. Dialogue should be natural and consistent throughout the story.
Character conflict
  • The reader’s experience of the story is heightened when the characters’ goals, conflicts and purpose are clear. Perhaps giving this aspect of the story further attention could be worthwhile.
Style and originality
  • Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose is tricky. As writers, we face the daunting task of making sure we are not being predictable. Can you find a way to give the content and characters more of a unique edge? Perhaps say something boldly, something fresh or show an unorthodox approach to a topic?
  • I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice. Impressive.
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.

Review 2:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
  • Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
  • Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing!
Character conflict
  • Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot. A truly absorbing story!
Suspense and conflict
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The build-up was intriguing and I felt the tension mounting with each word.
Technique and tight writing
  • The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
  • I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice. Impressive.
Atmosphere and description
  • A writer’s ability to create mood and atmosphere through evocative description is vital to the reader’s experience. It’s a real skill to craft out how the characters react to the setting and atmosphere and perhaps your story could go further in its description. The reader wants to experience the same sensory and poignant journey as the characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
  • Your great opening was a promise of wonderful things to come. I was hooked!