Amy just's wants to be left alone after her date goes bad, but it seems that men just won't go away, when a woman like Amy is around. Who will she encounter next? Will it be the same jerks? Is there a man who will win her heart? Or will she just end up alone-like she wanted to be in the first place?1
Action / Adventure
Gloria DeMoura (United States)
“I will be right back.” I say forcing a smile. Yeah back by the time you realize you're talking to yourself I think, as he grabs his wine glass. I go toward the bar, feeling the smell of beer sweep over me. I sit down on the rough and cold seat. The man next to me gives me a side glance, and struts over to me like a rooster. Men. “You're the finest drink I see at the bar tonight.” he says. I fight a impulse to throw my wine on him.
“Well I am not here to refresh your thirst.” I say staring him point blank in his eyes.
I move off the stool and toward the pool tables. I feel his eyes watch me. Must of never been told no before.
I stand next to the pool tables, watching a man kiss a short little blond, before taking his next shot.
She leaves him and walks toward the bar. The man shoots again and sinks three. He moves toward me to change his position.
“Hey sweetheart, once I am done, you could meet me outside?” he says shooting the last stripped ball in. I feel my mouth drop, unbelievable. He honestly thinks I didn’t see him just make out with his girlfriend?
“Were done!” the little blond yells, interrupting my speech. Apparently she came back for her purse.
I watch her storm out and him follow her. I drink the rest of my small wine glass and look back to the table where I was sitting. My date is talking to a woman who was sitting across from us. Good for him. I roll my eyes. I walk over and grab my jacket off the table. He doesn’t even notice me he is so into the redhead, but she does.
“Oh don’t worry, he is totally single.” I say. I head for the door. I go outside to the northern air and see the small town full of life with it being a Friday night and all.
I feel someone's eyes on me and I look to my left. “Its a lovely night.” he says staring at the stars. He is taller than me in heels and even leaning on the wall towers over me a hint.
“What?” I said.
“You know the kind of night when women shouldn’t be out alone.” he says.
I reach into my jacket pocket finding my pepper spray. But when he jumps out at me I bolt running as fast as I can in heels back to my car, I drop my jacket but I don’t stop.
I fumble trying to get my keys out of my pocket, I try to put them into my car but my hands won’t stop shaking.
“Aren’t you cold?”
“Look, I have had enough of men and there snappy comments.So could you just leave me alone!” I yell.
“I-I just thought you would of wanted your jacket back. You were running and dropped it.” He says.
I whip my head around and see a man about my height, staring at me with a busted and bleeding nose.
I look around for the man who was chasing me and see someone laying down off to the side of the parking lot.
“Im not going to hurt you, I just wanted to give it back.” he says seeing me look at his nose.
He holds out the jacket for me to take. I grab it gently from him.
“How did you stop him so quickly? and why did you do it?”
“I saw you running from him and knew he wasn’t going to stop. So I sprinted to get between you too and hit him sideways causing him to hit his head on a truck. Anybody would of done it…” He says.
“Thank you so much.. I am so sorry about what I said, I-I was-”
“No need to apologize or thank me.” He says cutting me off.
“Knowing you’re safe is all I need to know.” He says turning to go.
“Do I know you?” I ask.
“No.. But you don’t need too.”
“But how can I thank you?” I ask looking at him.
He just stares at me with his dark brown eyes.
“No… You saved me. I was walking home tonight and pleading to God that he would show me I am needed in this world or I was going to do something really stupid. When I saw you running..” He smiles.
I stare at him in disbelief, the night air nips at our silence, and I can’t find anything to say. he breaks the silence saying;
“Goodnight miss.” he starts walking away.
I pull my jacket on and watch him walk to the man he knocked over. I get in my car and watch as the he sits him up and the man that was pursuing me regains conscience. The man looks over at my car and points and then I see the taller man run away.
I don’t even know his name.. I should at least know that. I start my car and drive over to him, as he starts to walk away. I roll down my windows.
“Wait! I didn’t get your name!” I said.
He smiles at me. “It’s Anthony.”
I sit in silence unable to come up with anything to say..
“Please be careful driving home tonight.” He says turning to go.
“Please Anthony wait!”
He spins around quickly and looks at me.
“I need you.”
Competition: Friendly feedback, Round 1
Attention to mechanics
- The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- The protagonist didn’t always respond believably against the backdrop of the story. Ask yourself if people would really answer to a situation in that way. Think about whether the characters’ voices could be more convincing for their age, background, gender, time period, genre, gender and ethnicity. Dialogue should be natural and consistent throughout the story.
- Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me and we are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed.
- Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
- The reader’s experience of the story is heightened when the characters’ goals, conflicts and purpose are clear. Perhaps giving this aspect of the story further attention could be worthwhile.
Plot and pace
- Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot. A truly absorbing story!
Suspense and conflict
- The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The build-up was intriguing and I felt the tension mounting with each word.
Style and originality
- Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose is tricky. As writers, we face the daunting task of making sure we are not being predictable. Can you find a way to give the content and characters more of a unique edge? Perhaps say something boldly, something fresh or show an unorthodox approach to a topic?
Atmosphere and description
- Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
- Your great opening was a promise of wonderful things to come. I was hooked!