Bloodshot the Gunslinger
I sit on the balcony with guns on my hip and a red tattered desert cloak on my back. White scales on my cheek and on my arms. Pale white hair on my head and blood shot eyes. I am biological weapon BT-375. Otherwise known as Bloodshot. My comm link in my ear starts buzzing with static as I wait for a response from my team. I look at the skyscraper in front of me. It's a hostage situation. 300 civilians and the president’s wife. How did this all happen? Well a grenade was found in the First Lady's purse during a convention in Sacramento, California. With an ignition fuse set to the amount of footsteps she took. During the investigation the police took the building hostage. Now since this is a national incident. Me and my team have been assigned to retrieve or if she's involved. Eliminate the first lady. The second part isn't in the mission but hey it's a hunch. “Bloodshot come in." My comm says screeching threw my ears. "Yeah what's up? Do we have a clear to take the building?" I respond to my friend Sam. He's just like me. A biological weapon. His code name is Sear. Though he's not a code name. He's a human. We are humans. It's just a stupid label given to us by our creators. "I don't know. Though something is clearly wrong. The police officers aren't holding guns." Sam says confused. Then I look at the First Lady. She's not moving a step. "Vick? How is looking outside." I say talk to my other teammate. They call him Asphalt. He has a concrete skeleton. They call me Bloodshot because I have Mercury flowing through my veins. I squeeze the trigger my blood flows through my fingertips into the barrel and launches out as bullets. You can kind of guess what Sear does. “The police don’t have guns out here either. I agree something is off.” Vick says as I look down at the scene below. Then I realize why she isn’t moving. ....they’re out of footsteps..... There had to be a way they were counting her steps. Maybe it wasn’t just her. Couldn’t be. They didn’t ask for a ransom. They want to kill people. To make a statement. Then I realized the guards had not moved either. They’re all out of footsteps. They’re going to blow the floor and kill her first! "Get on the floor below the hostages I have an idea!" I say as I see Sam run out from the floor below me and leap high up superheating his muscles and landing hard under them. There's no police on that floor. The police must be out of footsteps to. I magnetize my boots using my blood. Increasing my pressure on the ground. I release and launch high up into the air. I land one floor above them and land so hard I smash through it. As I pass through I pull out my guns. Blood drains from my arteries and fill the barrels with six bullets. I spin in the air and press the barrel of to the floor. I squeeze the trigger. The people scream as the bombs under the floor explode. Sam looks at the bombs under the ceiling. They explode as he holds his hand up. He absorbs the heat through his left hand and holds his right hand out to the side. He releases the explosion blowing the windows rocking the building. I point the gun at the guards. "Your turn." I say looking at them smirking. The people sit up slowly and the guards turn toward me. I point a pistol at them and say, "Get on your knees." I say looking at the guards call me."Bloodshot what's happening up there." Vick says threw the comm. "We took the building. Securing the first lady right now." I respond. The guards get on their knees keeping a straight face. I look around for the first lady and she's not there. Then I see one guard run up the stairs with her. "Some people just don't know when to quit" I do a handstand magnetizing my hand to the floor. I bend my elbows and push off through the ceiling. I land on the ceiling of the next floor. I see the other guard. His face is still straight. These guys sure are brave. I pounce off the ceiling toward the guard. I crash into the guard grabbing him by the neck and smashing him against the ground cracking the tile. I stand up and the first lady is shaking scared. "Did you kill him...?” The first lady says shaking. "I don't know, let me check." I turn and shoot the guard in the shoulder. His body arcs awkwardly. "Maybe?" I shrug. I then point the gun at her. "Did you have anything to do with this?" "N-no..." She stutters. "You sure." I say pressing it her head. "No!" She shouts. "Okay." I shrug. I look past the First Lady and I see a black figure. "Wait!" I shout but he vanishes. "Bloodshot, we've been here too long. Let's clean up. We don't need our faces in media." Sam says as he leaps back onto the other building. "Yeah, yeah. Let's move. Vick are the actual police coming?" I say waiting for Vick. "Yeah, it looks like it. Let's get a move one." Vick says as he weaves his way through the crowd leaving. I walk over to the window and stand at the edge "The SWAT team will pick you up in a second. I'll see you around." I say as I jump out and magnetize my foot to the pipes under the sidewalk. I get pulled down fast and land hard pounding the concrete. Cracking the ground and running into the alley.
Competition: Friendly feedback, Round 1
Attention to mechanics
- You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
- Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
- Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing.
- Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.
Plot and pace
- Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot.
Suspense and conflict
- The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The build-up was intriguing and I felt the tension mounting with each word.
Technique and tight writing
- The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Point of view
- The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
- I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.
Atmosphere and description
- Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
- The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
- Your strong opening was a promise of wonderful things to come!