Boosh! Buildings went up in flames. The fire spread to the street as the monster’s steps clashed against the ground. Boof. Boof. The monster let out a mighty ROAR, when the Hero flew down with a woosh and a loud thud. A megabot sitting at sixty feet tall, mirroring the size of the monster, said:
“I am Megabot, robot defender of the city.”
The mighty monster bared his large fangs and spat:
“HA. I am Jurassic King. Leader of the Demi Dino Forces and I must reclaim this land for my people.”
Jurassic King then let out a blast of flames from his mouth; turning all that stood in its way into ash, except for Megabot. Megabot crossed his wrists and withheld the blast. Regaining his fighting stance, he launched a powerful punch towards the monster POW! The wind pressure cut through the flames on the street putting them out. The punch landed swiftly upon the monster's body, sending him flying into the distance.
I was in complete shock and awe as I watched this battle from the rooftop of a nearby building. I had always wished I could someday be like Megabot and the other robot heroes of the city. My name is Jackbot; I am a miniature AI Defender. I was made with the intent of household security, like most small robots, however I was not happy with my job. I dreamed of one day fighting alongside my robot brethren and becoming a hero. WARNING! My alarm was going off, meaning I had to leave the rooftop and go back inside. When I reached the bottom floor, I saw two people within my proximity alarm. I made my way to the door, finding Mrs. Karen and her daughter Miss Daisy waiting.
“Welcome home. Mrs. Karen, and Miss Daisy. Dr. Evans is in the basement working. Would either of you care for a cold beverage?” I asked.
“Yes Jackbot I would like a juicebox.” Miss Daisy stated.
“Can we play together after homework?”
“Of course. Miss Daisy.”
Mrs. Karen then walked down the basement stairs towards Dr. Evans in the laboratory. Inside the Basement Mrs. Karen spoke to her husband:
“I thought you were going to give Jackbot the day off to try for the Super Hero Robot Contest?”
Dr. Evans then smiled:
“I still plan to, as soon as I finish his upgrade chip.”
He then pressed a few keys on his transparent keyboard.
“Finally done. With this, Jackbot will be able to beat even the biggest of monsters. Jackbot, when I made you, it was with the intent that you would protect this family. Now with this upgrade, you will be able to protect the entire city.” Dr. Evans stated.
“Thank you. Dr. Evans. I am happy.”
Dr. Evans opened the top of my head and inserted the upgraded chip. Shortly after, an explosion went off: WARNING THREAT DETECTION! A group of robots then grabbed Dr. Evans and tried to carry him off. I jumped towards the first bot, delivering a devastating blow. Then I kicked down the second bot making it landed with a crash, while the third bot fled. I had saved Dr. Evans, but as I examined the area I found that Miss Daisy was missing.
“JACKBOT SAVE MY BABY!” Mrs. Karen screamed.
I then went into a CODE: RED as I searched the city looking for Miss Daisy using my scanner. The flying robots were carrying her towards the center of the city. The center held Robot Hero Headquarters and is where Miss Daisy was taken. As I rushed towards her, I heard an intercom say:
“WARNING CODE: BLACK. Rogue Robot. Take it down immediately.”
I was confronted by hero robots, big and small. I began to fight them, each one stronger than the last. I could not understand why they were attacking me, but I had to save Miss Daisy. It was then that he appeared. It was my idol, Megabot himself:
“Robot. Stand down. You are under arrest for attempting to harm a human and are hereby terminated.”
I knew that there must be some mistake. Someone behind the curtain was trying to get rid of me. Whoever they were, they were using the robot heroes to fight against me. I stated:
“Megabot. I do not wish to fight, however, I will do what I must to save Miss Daisy.”
He then began to swing his mighty fist at me. I countered with a fist of my own Clash! Our connection created a shockwave that sounded like thunder. When he flew back while I stayed in my place. Megabot then got up, dusted himself and came for round two. He swung both of his arms. Uppercutting me upwards with the air current from the first. Using a straight left he knocked me backwards into a nearby building. I then decided to use the upgrade chips super move. An ability in which I could conduct a miniaturized emp that could temporarily knock out all electrical power of whatever it hit. The blast hit Megabot, shutting down his system for up to fifteen minutes.
I ran towards the building and jumped as high as I could. Miss Daisy was on the top floor and I could sense another human being with her. As I jumped through the window, I shouted:
“Give me Miss Daisy!”
The other human I had sensed in the room was a man. He was sitting in a chair next to Miss Daisy, tied up, and crying. The man laughed and said:
“So you are the robot that Dr. Evans created to combat against me, the One Percent.”
“I only came to get Miss Daisy.”
“Well surrender to me and I will let the girl go.”
The evil man then grinned, saying something awful.
“With you, I can rule this world. My first goal is to reprogram you. I will then have you kill your creator, but I will let the girl live and make her suffer the horrors that you create.”
“Why would you kill other humans?” I questioned.
“For personal gain.” the man stated.
I felt something inside me boil over. It was like I was human for a moment and struck the man as hard as I could. The hit knocked him straight through the wall, falling towards the ground nearly seventy feet below. I then untied Miss Daisy. With a tear in her eye, she said:
“Jackbot you hurt the man. Now you will have to die. I don’t wanna lose you.”
“I did what I was programed to do. I protected the city from a monster.”
Competition: Friendly feedback, Round 1
Attention to mechanics
- You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
- Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
- Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing.
- Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.
Plot and pace
- Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot.
Suspense and conflict
- The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The build-up was intriguing and I felt the tension mounting with each word.
Point of view
- The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
- I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.
Atmosphere and description
- Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
- The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
- Your strong opening was a promise of wonderful things to come!