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Nadia, The Immortal

Nadia, The Immortal

Nadia was a fairy, an immortal with supernatural powers. She believes that her husband who betrayed her was Niko. Niko risks his life when Nadia was facing an execution. He died and after a hundred of years past he comes to life but he was already a machine. Niko was task to capture Nadia under the authority of Professor Mike but he failed. Professor Mike convinced Nadia to release her power and become normal and he asked Niko to kill Nadia but Niko’s love to Nadia was back.

1

Fantasy / Sci-fi


author-small

Marian Elaine (Philippines)


There were knights who were following Nadia. She was running alone until she was trapped at the cliff. "There's no way for you to go witch." the knight said. "I'm not a witch, I'm a fairy. If you could ever spoil your weapons in attacking me then I think you are just wasting your time!" Nadia scolds. "You need to surrender yourself or else we will finnish you." said the knight. "I don't have any reason to back off but to fight you." Nadia said. "Archers now!" the knights said. The acrhers trigger their arrows to her but Nadia uses her powers and she fights them with all her might. She jumps and she disappears with the use of her powers.
Nadia suddenly meets Niko and they hug each other. "Niko, I thought that I will not find you here. This is not the place for us to be together." Nadia said. "We were meant to see each other here." Niko said. "They will killl you if they will find that you are my love." Nadia said while she was showing her power. "This is my power, this will be your protection." Nadia said while she was giving her power for Niko's protection. "I don't care if ever I'll die because of you." Niko said. They were about to kiss each other but the knights came in and they surrounded Nadia. "Now you don't have any power Nadia." the knight said. "This is a trap! What a spiteful work that you have done?" Nadia said. "I need to surrender you to them Nadia." Niko said. "Huh! Why did you betrayed me?" Nadia said as she cries while the knights are grabbing her. "I love you but I'm sorry." Niko said.
Nadia was sent in the dungeon until it was morning and she was facing an execution. Her hands were tied as she was crying. The swordsman was about to behead Nadia but Niko rescue her. He protected Nadia from the sword while he was bringing back the power of Nadia. "Niko?" Nadia said. "You need your power." Niko said while his back was wounded from the edge of the sword. "No, please Nadia said while she was holding his face." I need to protect you because I am your husband. Go now Nadia." Niko said. Nadia fights all the knights, then she carries Niko and they both disappear. They went to the cliff. "Niko you saved my life, why did you bring back my power? I still need you as my husband." Nadia said while she was healing the wound of Niko but it was too late. "I have a power to heal your wound. Why it can't be?" Nadia said but she noticed that Niko was dying. "Niko..." she wonders. "Oh please, wake up for me. I need you to wake up for me, please, because you are my only husband. Why?" she cries.
After one hundred years. Niko woke up. He was naked and his body was inside the room made with steel. He punches the room and he was looking for some clothes. The workers of the laboratory noticed him. "Professor, he is finally awake." the worker said to Professor Mike. "Hey Niko." Profesor Mike said. "Who are you?" Niko asked. "Your mission is to capture this woman." he said while he shows the picture of Nadia. "Who is she?" Niko asked. "She is a woman with a supernatural power wherein she can heal the wound of a person. She is dangerous, even though we have no any specific weapon to catch her but you need to bring her here for the experiment." Professor Mike said. "I am her husband? I don't understand. Why am I her husband?" Niko asked in confusion. "She was the one who was actually looking for you but you died. We restored your body and you became a machine." Professor Mike said.
Niko meets Nadia accidentally. "If you could trust anyone other than your instinct then you must also trust me because I am your husband." Niko said to Nadia. I do not know on who really you are." she said. She was leaving him but Niko follows her. "Nadia!" Niko shouted. "Huh! How did you know my name?" Nadia asked. "I was restored by Professor Mike." he said. The troops of robotic soldiers are marching towards them. "You don't have to worry anything because there is no any problem for as far as I can see." Niko said. "Why did you allow this thing to happen? Are you with them?" Nadia asked. "Look, I can explain, I really do not know of who you are but I need to do my job to capture you." Niko said. "You tricked me! Why are you doing this to me?" Nadia asked. "If I can tell you the truth then you need to be captured first." Niko said as he shows his electrifying sword. They fight each other. Niko was using his electrifying sword while Nadia was using her bracelet with axe. The robots are firing their guns to Nadia but Nadia keeps on avoiding their shootings. Then Nadia runs and disappears. "Nadia!" Niko raged.
Nadia came in the Garden of Jendal. She smiles and she remembers Niko that it was the place on where they started to love each other and shared their first kiss. Professor Mike came in and Nadia was shocked and she was about to fight. "I am not here to capture you." Professor Mike said. "What is your plan in being here?" Nadia asked. "I know all about your story, a hundred of years past and you are living up to this time. Maybe you need to let down your powers and take your rest so that you can be mortal and love a man like Niko." he said. "Niko was my husband, I now remember him." Nadia said. "Your power can be used for developing an advance technology and solid innovation." Professor Mike said. "You all want me? Then I am here now." Nadia said.
Nadia follows Professor Mike until they were in the laboratory. Nadia closes her eyes as she was releasing all her powers. "Here is my power." Nadia said. "To whom do you like to give it?" Professor Mike asked. "To Niko." she said. "Just remember that your husband was no longer a human but a machine." he said. Nadia transfers her powers to Niko and Niko feels great.
Nadia was surrounded by solid metal. She was unconscious even though her eyes were opened. "You need to kill her now with this gun." Professor Mike said to Niko. "What?" Niko asked. "You cannot love a woman like her because she was an immortal." Professor Mike said. "But she was a mortal now." Niko said. "You need to kill her so that her power will no longer be back to her." Niko triggered his gun to Nadia. His hand was shivering. "No, I can't do it." Niko said. "If you can't, then I can." Professor Mike said. "No!" Niko shouts as he pushes Professor Mike but the robotic soldiers came in and they fight Niko. Niko brings back the power of Nadia and Nadia became conscious. "We will fight together because I am your husband." Niko said as he holds her hand. They fight the robotic soldiers until nothing was left. "No! What have you done?" Professor Mike said. "We did our best to save ourselves professor." Niko said. "Your life was back because of me and I will end your life now!" Professor Mike said and he shuts down the power button of Niko and Niko fell down. Nadia carries Niko and they disappear.
They came at the cliff. "I now remember. This is the place when the last time I saw you from our past." Niko said. You saved my life once again." she said. "I can no longer stay with you." Niko said. "Please, wake up, this couldn't be. Please wake up for me." Nadia cries as she was hugging Niko then there was a light that surrounded them. Niko breaths and he smiles. My mission now is to love and protect you on whatever consequences that may happen. We are not really married from our past but I declared you to be my wife because I love you so much. I am your husband." Niko said. "Yes you are." Nadia said.


Competition: Friendly feedback, Round 1

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Read Reviews

Review 1:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • The protagonist didn’t always respond believably against the backdrop of the story. Ask yourself if people would really answer to a situation in that way. Think about whether the characters’ voices could be more convincing for their age, background, gender, time period, genre, gender and ethnicity. Dialogue should be natural and consistent throughout the story.
Characterization
  • Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me and we are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed.
Main character
  • Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
  • The reader’s experience of the story is heightened when the characters’ goals, conflicts and purpose are clear. Perhaps giving this aspect of the story further attention could be worthwhile.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a difficult balancing act. Are you sure all the material is relevant to the plot, setting and atmosphere? Make sure each sentence makes sense to the reader, and each paragraph moves their experience forward.
Suspense and conflict
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Think about the conflict and tension in your story. How effectively has it been introduced?
Technique and tight writing
  • When writing is tight, economical and each word has purpose, it enables the plot to unravel clearly. Try and make each individual word count.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
  • Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose is tricky. As writers, we face the daunting task of making sure we are not being predictable. Can you find a way to give the content and characters more of a unique edge? Perhaps say something boldly, something fresh or show an unorthodox approach to a topic?
Atmosphere and description
  • A writer’s ability to create mood and atmosphere through evocative description is vital to the reader’s experience. It’s a real skill to craft out how the characters react to the setting and atmosphere and perhaps your story could go further in its description. The reader wants to experience the same sensory and poignant journey as the characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The scene needs to be vivid and realistic in order to hold the reader’s attention. Being concise and plausible at the same time is tricky. Giving this further attention could perhaps be worthwhile.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
  • Your strong opening was a promise of wonderful things to come!
General comments from your fellow writer 1:
The story in itself - the make-up of the narrative - is fine. Trying working on a clearer sentence structure, if a reader needs to reread multiple lines multiple times, you might want to think of revisiting structure. A story like this runs the very real risk of delving deeply into the Cliche. Think about this as you edit and wonder to yourself, "is this cliche, why or why not?"

Review 2:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • There needs to be more balance between narration and dialogue. Avoid overdoing the narrative and remember that dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • The protagonist didn’t always respond believably against the backdrop of the story. Ask yourself if people would really answer to a situation in that way. Think about whether the characters’ voices could be more convincing for their age, background, gender, time period, genre, gender and ethnicity. Dialogue should be natural and consistent throughout the story.
Characterization
  • Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me and we are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed.
Main character
  • Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Point of view
  • Point of view helps the reader identify whose perspective we are engaging with, i.e. who is narrating the story. It can sometimes be helpful to double check that the point of view in the story is successfully handled. Ensure you consistently use the same point of view and tense throughout.
General comments from your fellow writer 2:
This story reads like a essay... not a story. The writer tells you everything matter-of-factly not allowing the reader to imagine the story line at all. There is no line of progression for the story to follow just disjoined sentences that takes us from fairies to steel rooms and guns...

Review 3:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • There needs to be more balance between narration and dialogue. Avoid overdoing the narrative and remember that dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • The protagonist didn’t always respond believably against the backdrop of the story. Ask yourself if people would really answer to a situation in that way. Think about whether the characters’ voices could be more convincing for their age, background, gender, time period, genre, gender and ethnicity. Dialogue should be natural and consistent throughout the story.
Characterization
  • Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me and we are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed.
Main character
  • Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
  • Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a difficult balancing act. Are you sure all the material is relevant to the plot, setting and atmosphere? Make sure each sentence makes sense to the reader, and each paragraph moves their experience forward.
Suspense and conflict
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Think about the conflict and tension in your story. How effectively has it been introduced?
Technique and tight writing
  • When writing is tight, economical and each word has purpose, it enables the plot to unravel clearly. Try and make each individual word count.
Point of view
  • Point of view helps the reader identify whose perspective we are engaging with, i.e. who is narrating the story. It can sometimes be helpful to double check that the point of view in the story is successfully handled. Ensure you consistently use the same point of view and tense throughout.
Style and originality
  • Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose is tricky. As writers, we face the daunting task of making sure we are not being predictable. Can you find a way to give the content and characters more of a unique edge? Perhaps say something boldly, something fresh or show an unorthodox approach to a topic?
Atmosphere and description
  • A writer’s ability to create mood and atmosphere through evocative description is vital to the reader’s experience. It’s a real skill to craft out how the characters react to the setting and atmosphere and perhaps your story could go further in its description. The reader wants to experience the same sensory and poignant journey as the characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The scene needs to be vivid and realistic in order to hold the reader’s attention. Being concise and plausible at the same time is tricky. Giving this further attention could perhaps be worthwhile.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
  • Your strong opening was a promise of wonderful things to come!
General comments from your fellow writer 3:
The grammatical and spelling errors were very, very distracting. Also, point of view changed back and forth. There was some colorful dialogue and setting, but I don't think a reader can get past sloppy grammar.