Attention to mechanics

• You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.

Narration and dialogue: Balance

• Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.

Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice

• Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.

Characterization

• Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.

Main character

• Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing.

Character conflict

• Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.

Plot and pace

• Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot.

Suspense and conflict

• The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The build-up was intriguing and I felt the tension mounting with each word.

Technique and tight writing

• The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.

Point of view

• The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.

Style and originality

• I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.

Atmosphere and description

• A writer’s ability to create mood and atmosphere through evocative description is vital to the reader’s experience. It’s a real skill to craft out how the characters react to the setting and atmosphere and perhaps your story could go further in its description. The reader wants to experience the same sensory and poignant journey as the characters.

Authentic and vivid setting

• The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.

Opening line, paragraph and hook

• Your strong opening was a promise of wonderful things to come!

General comments from your fellow writer 1:

The opening grabbed me from the first few sentences and the tone automatically gave a hint as to the type of chapter I would be reading. I am really intrigued and want to know more about the so far unnamed protagonist. Her story sort of hit home for me with how she tires of people telling her how she should feel, telling her how from their view her life is just fine when it doesn't matter how they see it. All that matters is how it is affecting her in her daily life and how she feels. I think you conveyed her pain, confusion, frustration and anger really well especially in those quiet moments when she's thinking about the homeless man she met on the street one day and how he affected her. This short story seems like it will shape up to be a touching yet painful tale about accepting how you are feeling and learning to deal with it in a positive way while not allowing the views of others to send you into a downward spiral. I think you have made a really great start to the story and I hope it comes out well!

Attention to mechanics

• The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.

Narration and dialogue: Balance

• Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.

Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice

• Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.

Characterization

• Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.

Main character

• Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing.

Technique and tight writing

• When writing is tight, economical and each word has purpose, it enables the plot to unravel clearly. Try and make each individual word count.

Point of view

• The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.

General comments from your fellow writer 2:

Hi, I liked your story and considered the idea behind the story I thought fresh. The idea that depression is contagious - and I believe you are right. `Depression' has been callled `the black dog' and now there is an organisation called that. So the black dog has puppies. The character came across as believable, and your narrative voice was fine. I have an editing disease so please excuse my nitpicking. Some edit points: `...arms in their pants' - suggestion - I thought `hands' rather than arms. `At 27, while... - wondered why `27'. why sit on a specific age. The only clue being -`I’ve heard 27’s a tough age.' - This may be a connection to her mother - but there is nothing conclusive. In a like manner the opening with respect to the wedding ring seems to have some connection to the mother - though it is the father's ring. I mean I wonder if this paragraph necessary. `My breath slows and my shoulders shudder' - Here begins the disembodiment. The narrator constantly refers to the parts of her body as if they have minds of their own, as if they are separate from her. While I can see this might be a useful device at sometime, it becomes characteristic, so this reader wonders if this isn't part of her mental condition i.e. to disassociate from her own actions, as if she is not in control (this seems to go against how the character is otherwise presented). a sign that said the same thing.( as I) - suggest delete, unnessecary. `He was leaning against the back of Dolly's mini mart, his eyes closed, the weather hot. All sorts of guck all over his face and shaggy beard.' - The first sentence runs on, and I wondered why the state of the weather came last (whereas it might be the reason he is standing there). The second sentence isn't a sentence. Suggest rework both sentences perhaps into one. `I (had) thought it was strange.' -- Passive voice. Once you have established past tense in the text there is no need to constantly reinforce it. `had' is an indicator of past tense. Where you can try and eliminate it. `This guy was a plain old smartass.' - I liked this insersion - like a reality check - added to my impression of the character. ....my heart scared shitless' - again with the body parts. It is the characyer that is scared, not her heart. `My brain had shouted. ...but my feet disobeyed and my fingers sided with them.' this might have been okay if the same conceit hadn't already been used (begins to become tiresome). Again later the character's feet like two large dogs - Pulling and yipping until I.... - When the second sentence begins I wondered what was going on - then realised it was an extension of the allusion, but then I was left to ask how do feet actually do this? `They tapped him on the shoulder(, softly).' - again a confusing continuation of the allusion `they'? - oh, the fingers. When a reader is required to backtrack or think about a term or line, the guided dream is broken. `softly' - try and avoid adverbs. They can be seen as visible evidence of the author trying to manipulate the reader. Often as here, they are fine distinctions unable to be held up in daylight. Most time they add little and can be eliminated. Another example: `He questioned, (mouth slightly grinning)' - ask yourself what is the difference between a slight grin and a grin. I would omit `mouth' (let's leave the independent body functions to the narractor) & it is superfluous - i.e. how does one grin without a mouth. I backed away from him (slowly), hands in the air. - unnecessry - the reader gets the picture. I nodded and pretended I (could) comprehend(ed) - passive voice. `I (had run) ran from him, pure adrenaline pumping my legs into traffic. - ` - I marked this because the closing clause seemed a bit off base. Adrenaline conventionally, `pumps through' - and `my legs into traffic' had an unwanted transformational interpretation. My heart shuddered and writhed inside of my skull. The (farther) futher I got from him the more it (had) hurt' - some of the images at the end seemed to go too far - how does a heart writhe inside a skull? Often when we write with passion and the words flow, sense is a casualty, and need to read it to see if logic and the functional objectives are observed. (Back then,) I was a - suggest omit - unnecessary "I'm sorry," I (had) said (anyway). - suggest omit `... cried out, like the conductor of some awful circus.' - great image `...away, Converse unapolagetically slapping the pavement. Back home, far away from whatever was to happen next.' `Converse unapologetically' - I didn't warm to - `converse' has other meanings and there is the capacity to through the reader despite the capital - suggest rework. `...the moment his thumb graced my sweater. It cut into me, bled me to the core.' - `graced' seemed like the wrong word choice - perhaps you meant `grazed'. To me the problem then is, it seems tame compared to the wounding of the next sentence. ....sad.” My lungs gasped for air. - again why not `I gasped for air' ? - the other advantage is it helps the reader identify with the protagonist instead of her bits. His voice (suddenly) shifted...' - suggest omit - it doesn't make things appear to happen quicker, or abruptly - just adds to the narrative load (and reminds readers there is an author). I (had) sounded hopeful through my heavy breathing. - this impression of how one heard oneself in a past event seemed unrealistic and a bit silly. `But whenever I sit back and let my fingers play, I end up with creepy drawings of angry girls and depressing words that I really don’t want to hang up on the refrigerator.' - good ending. Please take my suggestions, as that, you own your story and know how you want it constructed etc. The object was only to be helpful. Like I said I enjoyed your story and the exposition of your idea through the man at Dolly's, I thought was very effective, and well done. You write well, and I wish you the best with it in the future..

Attention to mechanics

• You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.

Narration and dialogue: Balance

• Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.

Character conflict

• Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.

Suspense and conflict

• The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The build-up was intriguing and I felt the tension mounting with each word.

Style and originality

• I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.

Authentic and vivid setting

• The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.

General comments from your fellow writer 3:

Definitely got the point across. Very quick to the point. Stfong language use and verbiage.